January 9, 2011
Dear Angel,
I actually didn’t know how to start this letter . There are things I want to say about you but I don’t know if I can explain this to you exactly on what I have on my mind. Being with you is something that I don’t expect of experiencing. I am contented on what I have before even though I must admit I am alone and bitter. Time flies so fast and I am still in awe that I actually have someone who I would call when I miss him, who I would fight with when I don’t think his opinion is not right, who I would snuggle and cuddle with, who I could tease and flirt with, and especially who I could call mine.
In three months, we argue a lot. I realized that we are two strange individuals. The insensitive man and sensitive woman have found each other. It is not easy dealing with your insensitiveness for you run on your logic and I have my emotion in me most times. But in three months, I realized that no matter how strange and weird you are…I love you and that’s all I know to keep staying with you.
In three months, you sometimes make me feel not loved. I felt alone and crying. I even tried to give up because honestly I didn’t think that I would feel empty again even I know I have you. You say things that would really made me depress and anxious. Whenever you failed to hold my hand when we’re together; paranoia engulfed me and I’m thinking you don’t want to be with me anymore. But in three months, I’ve been very happy. I know that I cannot push you to love me the way I wanted to be loved by you, but the fact that I trust that you love me, I guess that matters most. I trust you that you will always love me.
In three months, I am jealous like hell to her. We met her and frankly I wanted to snatch you away from there and keep you in a place where you can’t see her anymore. She is a big threat. No matter what you say not to be jealous of her and she’s all in the past. I always get anxious whenever I think that you’ve been with her for 3 years and I only have three months to compare all the years you have with her. You even fed my paranoia that you still say yes to her if ever she asks you to be with her. I know it is only a joke on your part but I love you. Every word you say can make or break me. Again, I ended up crying… wishing that she will not do those things running on my head. But in three months, I learned to accept things that I never thought I would accept. You thought me the reality of loving that it is not always happy and cheesy. I have to deal with the pain, anxiousness, and threat. It is the test I have to deal in loving someone like you. It is not easy but I will still be here as long that you need me because I am irrevocably in love with you.
In three months, I waited for things that you will never do. Those things, that my 24 years of fantasy have supplied me. I guess I will never learn that you are your own person and I am my own person. Even we committed to be one, we cannot deny the fact that we are very different and I have to deal with it if I want our relationship to last long. But in three months, I appreciate those little things you do. The way you hold my hand as if you never let go. The way you kiss my hair that I always feel warm and wanted. The way you uttered your “do you know or have you known” trivia. The way you hug me or even hold me as if you’re not going to let go. The way you tell me that you love me no matter how sensitive, possessive, emotional and crazy I am. The way you smile at me as if telling me that I brighten up your day. I love how you make an effort of reaching me and understanding me on the craziness I have in me. I love how you share your thoughts and memories you have, even those sad or happy memories. I wanted to tell you that if I have a chance to make you feel better in those sad times you have I will, but its all in the past, and I promise you I will be with you in every step of the way to our future.
In three months, we changed plans and that made me sad. I realized that I am selfish and self centered. When you told me that you plan to teach in other school, I got scared and I told you that we’re going to fall apart if that happens. Maybe, because I am crazy and because I cannot be apart from you, Angel, not seeing you will make me crazier and you will get tired of my forever ranting and that would make us fall apart. I’m sure of it and it is scary. But I’m willing to change, in more months and years we will have, I hope, I will try to lessen my craziness and my paranoia. I’m just asking you to bear with me again. I am writing this letter not because I wanted you to change for I will not be happy if you change just because I wanted to. I just wanted you to know those things I love and hate in those three months that had passed so that you will understand what’s running on my head. You are my best friend, my enemy and my lover. I hate and love you at the same time. I cannot live without you being the three characters in my life. But in most cases… I love you … very… very … much.
Happy 63 days Angel. I am looking forward for the rest of our days with each other.
Love lots,
Chibi o:p
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