A Letter from Chibi O:) ( Im sorry for being Psychotic)

February 9, 2012

Dear Angel O:-),

                Yey! We made in 4 months in this whirlwind romance. These past months I’ve been a nuisance in our relationship. I am sorry. I don’t have a lot of words to utter thank you for sticking with me even I’m such a psychotic girlfriend who loves to be attended always. Actually, I really don’t understand the patience you have with me, but maybe I will never understand it because at times I am a self centered girl who lulled my insecurities and paranoia so deeply.
                This month, you have been so patient to me. I threw tantrums just like a child and you just laughed at me and accepted all the battered words I’ve thrown on you. I didn’t imagine someone so tough and so sure of himself could endure the complexity of my personality. I am sorry if I put you all through that. I am sorry angel for a lot of times you feel I don’t want you or love you anymore. It’s me who is complex not you, always know that. I am anxious and crazy most of the time because I’ve been hurt, battered and broken before I met you, and my heart could not take the beauty of your soul because all my life I believe that I am nothing and no one would want and love me as I am. Thank you this is the only words left for me to say. The words are empty without you.
                This month, you always lowered your pride. Whenever I get psychotic, you are always the one to keep your pace with me. I didn’t know why you did that because no man lowered his pride for me, maybe some did … but I couldn’t believe someone like you would do that for me. Frankly, I wanted to spank my face for doing that to you because before whenever I prayed to God to give me someone who will always be with me, I told HIM that I would take care of you but what am I doing? I am always being difficult. I am always the one who starts our fights. I am so crazy. I am sorry Angel. Please bear with me. I couldn’t promise you that I will be the best but I will try to be better. I want to be better for you. I want to deserve you. I love you so much. Thank you for sticking with me.
                This month, you always have kind and sweet words for me. I didn’t notice that whenever you texted me or say it because I am so focused on my ranting and issues that I never realized that you just wanted me to be happy. I don’t know why I have to keep on asking for more when you are already giving your all. I am sorry, for making our relationship so complicated when you are making it smooth and happy. Thank you so much Angel… for not giving up on me… Please…I know as time goes by I will do again stupid things…Please Angel…don’t ever let me go. I couldn’t live my life without you. I will be just an empty psychotic girl in this world. I wouldn’t want that to happen.
                This month, I’ve given you a lot of weariness and doubt to yourself. You keep on asking me if I lost my trust on you and if I don’t love you anymore. I didn’t know what impact I am making on you whenever I told you yes, but I lied Angel. Due to my insecurities and paranoia, I wanted to get even with you. I want you to feel the pain you are causing me, but I didn’t think that it is not you who are causing me pain and suffering but it’s I. I am always the one who makes you feel pain, and I am sorry … you will think that this is a sorry letter and yes it is… I wouldn’t want to make you think that I don’t appreciate everything you do because I really do. I may be a lot of things but never unappreciative. I will always trust you but I will never trust the world because the world can make you change your mind. I will always love you, please never doubt that, I am crazy but loving you is my perfection.
                This month, you keep asking me about my problems. I have issues with a friend and her boo. I was pissed off to them but unfortunately you became my anger dummy. You accepted all the pain I have for them and I realized you are always the one I poured on my angst on whenever I’m pissed with other people. I am such a bad girlfriend. I really don’t deserve you but I’ll try to be better just please don’t change mind with me. I am still a good catch you know. I am sweet, poetic, and thoughtful and I love you so much. You could never find a pretty psychotic girlfriend even you travel the world ^_^ , so bear with me and stay with me forever, okay? I love you :3 … mwaaah
                This month, there are a lot of things running on my mind that made me sad and depress so much. There came a point that I really don’t want to continue this relationship because I felt that I don’t deserve you. I am always making everything difficult for you and I know that at times I’m hurting you so much. It made me feel sad Angel because I didn’t imagine or realize that so much love can really hurt you. But no matter what I do, I just don’t understand why I am always sad because of some things that are only natural to you. I became sad because I felt that I am not the girl you will really love and I feel that soon you will get tired or you will find the girl you will be crazily in love with. I know that all of these things are paranoia. I am a paranoid fool. I am always making my life complicated because maybe the pain that I hide for a very long time was eventually coming through me.
                I am sorry Angel, I am seeking on you the things I dreamt for my “so called future boyfriend” before. I am expecting something from you and when you don’t do it, I become cranky and out of control. As time goes by, I am slowly realizing the character I have when I am in love. The song “Just another woman in love” really fits me well. Funny but it’s true. Maybe love really made me vulnerable. Falling in love with you made me a scared little girl that always needing reassurance and security. I just hope Angel that as our relationship goes on , please don’t change those things you usually do in the first part of our relationship. I know someday we will change but I still hope that those things we did, will always remain. I love you… I am weak but I will try to be strong for us.
                I’m so glad, I found you. No matter how different we are and no matter how those people say we are crazy for loving each other. I will still be thankful that we are fighting for this love. It is not perfect but this love is so precious to let go. I love you :3 .


Love lots,
Chibi O;-)

A Letter from Chibi O:) (Things I am afraid to tell you

January 9, 2011


Dear Angel,
            I actually didn’t know how to start this letter . There are things I want to say about you but I don’t know if I can explain this to you exactly on what I have on my mind. Being with you is something that I don’t expect of experiencing. I am contented on what I have before even though I must admit I am alone and bitter. Time flies so fast and I am still in awe that I actually have someone who I would call when I miss him, who I would fight with when I don’t think his opinion is not right, who I would snuggle and cuddle with, who I could tease and flirt with, and especially who I could call mine.
            In three months, we argue a lot. I realized that we are two strange individuals. The insensitive man and sensitive woman have found each other. It is not easy dealing with your insensitiveness for you run on your logic and I have my emotion in me most times. But in three months, I realized that no matter how strange and weird you are…I love you and that’s all I know to keep staying with you.
            In three months, you sometimes make me feel not loved. I felt alone and crying. I even tried to give up because honestly I didn’t think that I would feel empty again even I know I have you. You say things that would really made me depress and anxious. Whenever you failed to hold my hand when we’re together; paranoia engulfed me and I’m thinking you don’t want to be with me anymore. But in three months, I’ve been very happy. I know that I cannot push you to love me the way I wanted to be loved by you, but the fact that I trust that you love me, I guess that matters most. I trust you that you will always love me.
            In three months, I am jealous like hell to her. We met her and frankly I wanted to snatch you away from there and keep you in a place where you can’t see her anymore. She is a big threat. No matter what you say not to be jealous of her and she’s all in the past. I always get anxious whenever I think that you’ve been with her for 3 years and I only have three months to compare all the years you have with her. You even fed my paranoia that you still say yes to her if ever she asks you to be with her. I know it is only a joke on your part but I love you. Every word you say can make or break me. Again, I ended up crying… wishing that she will not do those things running on my head. But in three months, I learned to accept things that I never thought I would accept. You thought me the reality of loving that it is not always happy and cheesy. I have to deal with the pain, anxiousness, and threat. It is the test I have to deal in loving someone like you. It is not easy but I will still be here as long that you need me because I am irrevocably in love with you.
            In three months, I waited for things that you will never do. Those things, that my 24 years of fantasy have supplied me. I guess I will never learn that you are your own person and I am my own person. Even we committed to be one, we cannot deny the fact that we are very different and I have to deal with it if I want our relationship to last long. But in three months, I appreciate those little things you do. The way you hold my hand as if you never let go. The way you kiss my hair that I always feel warm and wanted. The way you uttered your “do you know or have you known” trivia. The way you hug me or even hold me as if you’re not going to let go. The way you tell me that you love me no matter how sensitive, possessive, emotional and crazy I am. The way you smile at me as if telling me that I brighten up your day. I love how you make an effort of reaching me and understanding me on the craziness I have in me. I love how you share your thoughts and memories you have, even those sad or happy memories. I wanted to tell you that if I have a chance to make you feel better in those sad times you have I will, but its all in the past, and I promise you I will be with you in every step of the way to our future.
            In three months, we changed plans and that made me sad. I realized that I am selfish and self centered. When you told me that you plan to teach in other school, I got scared and I told you that we’re going to fall apart if that happens. Maybe, because I am crazy and because I cannot be apart from you, Angel,  not seeing you will make me crazier and you will get tired of my forever ranting and that would make us fall apart. I’m sure of it and it is scary. But I’m willing to change, in more months and years we will have, I hope, I will try to lessen my craziness and my paranoia. I’m just asking you to bear with me again. I am writing this letter not because I wanted you to change for I will not be happy if you change just because I wanted to. I just wanted you to know those things I love and hate in those three months that had passed so that you will understand what’s running on my head. You are my best friend, my enemy and my lover. I hate and love you at the same time. I cannot live without you being the three characters in my life. But in most cases… I love you … very… very … much.
            Happy 63 days Angel. I am looking forward for the rest of our days with each other.

Love lots,
Chibi o:p

A Letter from Chibi O;) (The reasons why I Love You)

December 2, 2011

Dear Angel,                                                                                                                            

                We’ve been together for almost two months now, and the happiness I have in my heart is really overflowing. I wrote this letter to describe how much I love you. Love is something I am familiar and acquainted with. It gave me a lot of things to remember. Good and Bad memories, it is my company all throughout my life. I walked and found a place in this world alone. Thinking that it is really okay to be with  just myself ; I had loved someone but he didn’t give me a chance to show how much I care for him or even let me feel the joy of being loved by the person I loved so much. I was broken and almost lost the will to live and grasp the idea of happiness.
            Then… you came. My life that have been full of pain and sorrow became full of gladness and zest, as if you are the huge piece that I’ve been waiting for since the day God has given me breath to live. The love I feel for you is like a drop of rain in an endless storm. It is a tiny drop that could fill the thirst of the world. Because of this love, I began to trust again… to feel again… to be alive again… and to decide to submit myself completely. You are the wish and dream that my heart longed for 24 years of my life. I never thought that God really planned to fit someone like me with you perfectly.  I am not saying that this love can make us perfect, but this love made us perfect for each other.
            There are times that I don’t understand what you think, how you think, and why do you think that way.  I am always confused on things about you. You always make me laugh but at the same time you give me a lot of things to make me feel annoyed to you. You are the extreme of everything, but still at the end of the day, my confusion and annoyance are nothing compare to the love I have for you.
            I love to stare at you angel, every time I stare at you I saw the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I love how you smile at me; your smile is the only light I know to make me feel happy and contented. I love how you hugged me, your hug is my access between dream and reality. I love how you tell me you love me, because it’s the proof that I’ve finally found the person who knows how to appreciate and love an ordinary girl like me. You told me before that you couldn’t believe that you have someone like me. I was just as amazed as you that God has given me this gift I feel I could never deserve. I love how you plan for our future. I’ve seen how perfect we are for each other every time I hear that we will end up with a lifetime. I love your wisdom and prerogative about the world. You are one great soul that some women neglect to appreciate. I know that if ever you’ve given up on me; I will never find a person as great as you.
            Whenever I’m with you , it is always like the first time I saw a light from the almost endless darkness I’ve been. You are my everything and the only hope I have right now. I am too blinded to the light you gave that I’m just so scared that one day I wake up that I’m in darkness again. I love you with the almost highest love I feel right now. My life revolves around you. You are my personal sun. The one who brings me life and energy. The one that sustains the life of my being. The one who has the power to make and destroy my everything. There‘s a point in my life that I prayed that you never come because I know that I will never be the same woman when the time comes that you fill my life. And I’m right; by the time you came I am completely and hopelessly in love with you. It felt that I am one in the werewolf pack and I finally imprinted someone I can’t live without; someone who has the power over me; someone I will be hurt to lose; someone who will give meaning to my life, and someone who has the device button of my destruction.
            I wrote this letter with the fear that you will know everything I have in mind and heart right now. Writing this letter has given you an access to my heart and soul. It is so scary, but I am throwing my pretensions and worries so that if ever there will come a time that you’ll doubt my love. You have a sole proof on the intensity of my love for you. Just read and remember that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU COMPLETELY.
            I know that we can’t predict the future, and believe me I am scared to that. I’m scared that this love is really not ours and it was only given us to be strong. I am scared that there is still someone who is meant for you. I am scared that your past lovers will eventually realize that they can’t live without you and will snatch you away from me. I just wish that by that time they’ll realize you are worth fighting for; your love for me is strong enough to give you strength to say no and stay with me. I am scared for the time that you’ll realize “I’m such a bore and nothing”. Maybe, I will always be scared to everything, I know it’s annoying and you will feel that it is nonsense for me to make an issue about the things that are not happening yet, but just bear with me Angel. I am very insecure and paranoid, even though I know that Love is powerful, I knew too, that Love is not constant. Time can make our love unpredictable. People can make our hearts grow weary and tired. The world can bring us One million reason not to love each other forever , and the reality of our story is too vulnerable to just let it be.
            If ever I’ll be the first one to give up just remind me the time I fight for this love. I am not saying this because I am unsure of you or the feelings I have for you; I am saying this because I am a very complicated person. My being is not stable and it changes from time to time. I know you got a piece of my attitude beforehand and I hope I didn’t make you tired of my forever ranting of “what ifs and but”.
I know, you’ll say that It’s okay and you love to listen on my litany, but I know that our relationship is just a baby. Someday you will have a point in your life that you’ll grow sick and tired of me being that way, paranoid, insecure and all that, but please angel, bear with me. I can’t promise you that I’ll never hurt you and I will never expect that you’ll never hurt me too, cause pain is a constant companion of love, but the thought that we are fighting for this love can really make a difference.
           
            “The day I fell in love with you,my White Angel is the day that the ghost of the Dark Angel has vanished as if it was exorcised”

Love,
Chibi O:)

OUR OWN LITTLE HEAVEN (White Angel’s + Little Angel’s Journey) By: chibi O:)

OUR OWN LITTLE HEAVEN
(White Angel’s + Little Angel’s Journey)  

By: chibi O:)

The little angel looked at the sky,
It’s crimson and gray like a forgotten way.
The dark angel left her with this pain.
Pain as old as time,
Even the rain can’t wash away.
She walked barefooted on her dark limbo,
Waiting and asking for a special symbol,
Symbol that can stop her bleeding heart.
Heart that has always falling apart.
A blinding light strike the sky,
The little angel confused it with a lie.
She saw a white angel staring at her.
He has this lucky smile and a radiant face that she can’t deny,
She was so scared .to touch his burning light,
Scared that it was again a painful sigh.
She ignored this white angel’s presence,
Ignore how he made her world warm and gay,
But no matter how this little angel run from this beautiful being,
She can’t help but to fall in love with his beautiful soul ,
The little angel’s heart have been shattered like a glass,
For she doesn’t deserve a soul as pure as a wind hush,
She walked away and never looked back,
She accepted her frozen fate that love and happiness are not her rock,
Pain is her friend and tears are her folks,
That’s the consequences of loving another beautiful soul.
The ghost of the dark angel has vanished as if it was exorcised.
But the familiar coldness and sting crept in her veins and begun to rise,
She fell in love again but she knew the hurt still will reign,
Impossible that a flawless and blissful being will love her just the same.
Time stood still when the white angel stared at her,
She saw a ray of light; she never thought someone could bear.
He held her close and never let go.
The warmth she felt healed the wound that hurt her so.
She’s with her white angel finally,
The overwhelming love gave her happiness that made her silly,
She’s still scared on her white angel’s shadow,
The uncertainty and foolishness eats her like a crow.
But no matter how impossible this love would go,
She would keep his heart and never let the other feelings flow,
“I love you white angel”, all she can say,
The warmth and joy he gave in her heart will forever lay
They will both stay in their own little heaven.
Their lives will always be intertwined and would never be shaken,
They will fly wings to wings like heaven’s doves,
And this gift of happiness they will forever save.

Trip to Batangas!

Yesterday, I’ve been in Batangas with my friends. I’ve given everything (as in everything) para maging happy lang kami. We actually had a great time at first because that’s the first time we’ve been together in a different location (coz commonly we stick at our place whenever we had a get together). I’m contented just being with them. I’m happy and I appreciated the things that our hosts had given to us. All of a sudden one of our friends just burst out that he wanted to go home. I didn’t know what’s got into him and I followed him when he walked out from the room. He told me he’s side (he said that He is bored and he didn’t come all the way to Batangas just to mingle with us and be stucked in a house) and I actually understand he’s side (cause I wanted to still be happy even the tension was arising) . I calm him down but he’s so irritated and angry to calm down. My other friends didn’t know what’s happening, I’ve told them that we just have some misunderstandings and that’s nothing to do with them. I really tried to fix everything up even though I, too have some issues to settle with myself. I AM HURT, too.. and he knew that from the start but he just kept on thinking of himself even I pleaded him to endure everything for me and our dear friend. 

He decided to go home alone. We tried to contact him and again asked him to calm down and go home with us… but he never did heed our pleas. He even told me to never come near him again and he doesn’t want to talk to me again. I don’t know what to think anymore. I am so hurt.. I am hurt because of SOMEONE, and I am hurt because of HIM. He was my best friend and I thought he understands me. I love him just like a sister does, but maybe.. I am not that special to him. He chuck me away from his life just like that, and I am not even the cause of he’s anger. He became so childish and selfish. I love him… I will always do..but right now I’m hurt.. he’s the only one I can count on but He left me alone. I am like a lost puppy without my adorable bestfriend :’( and that hurts!

After that incident. I decided to compose myself for my other friends. They didn’t deserve to know something hurtful. We remained quiet and enjoy the rest of the day even though I am very hurt. The someone repeatedly asked me about the issue that led my bestfriend’s anger but I remained quiet because I wanted them especially him to be out of that problem, for I know we already had one even before we came to Batangas ( financial issue) . I also didn’t want to hurt our hosts. We are so grateful to them to hurl hurtful words and issue that will lead to misunderstandings and disbandment of our friendship. 

When we’re on the way home, the atmosphere was light and happy, that’s why I felt eased   ( even a lot of overwhelming things have crept on my mind and feelings). I even felt sad that we had to go home in a fuss because of our responsibilities on Monday. I am sad because of a lot of things I’ve realized in my life. I am sad because ..well anyway … let’s stick on our issue here.

When finally, our hosts had reached their destination. We bid a happy good bye and we know that it was not the last good bye we will have. I and my girl friend decided to share with them the issue that led to my bestfriends’ attitude and never imagine that one of them would tell to our hosts that reason! Our hosts texted me and he and she are so irate and hurt. When I received that text, I cried… I blamed myself.. maybe if I didn’t pursue that vacation it would not happen. Ash and I are so devastated… we thought that vacation would made us all happy.. We didnt tell that to our hosts because we thought that it is for the best. We may not right to suppress what you all deserve to know but I would stick to our decision that time cause I believe that there are things that are better left unsaid especially if you know that thing will cause a lot of misunderstandings and pain. We are not taking on our bestfriend's side if that's what you think because we know that what he did is petty and childish, we didn't tell you about that because we didn't want a commotion and pain. We are in a different place and a commotion and misunderstandings are a big No-no to our list. I hope you understand the issue here cause I'm starting to to be drowned on the pain I'm feeling right now because of this.

I have a feeling that this coming to an end… and it really hurts me so much… I love you all guys but I don’t know where to stand anymore.

:'(

I don’t know but my heart leaped on HIS REPLY in my post. He never bothered to comment on my messages/wall posts before. I wonder what got into him. He is truly a complicated person. We are through a long time ago but by this reply I still have the butterflies all over my tummy that making me realized how much I still longed for HIM.

He’s always be my dark angel even though I now that loving him will just make my life upside down and will shatter my tiny life into pieces. Still… I love him.. I know he knows that..that for 3 years he’s the man Im always wishing to God to be with me..It’s crazy.. I know.. I’m crazy.. but I love him..he’s my friend and in the back of my mind I know he’ll never be JUST MY FRIEND..

Maybe… I always be the one WAITING IN LINE.. cause maybe someday.. He’ll realize Im the one he’s been waiting too..

I LOVE YOU JL.. even if it really hurts.. :’) 

NUMB!

I am numb...
so numb I don't feel like crying.
I am so FED UP with everything!

I'd love to hear my heart breathing again...singing again...living again...
I stopped living ages ago, not because I don't feel the sense of living but because I don't have the reason to live anymore.

I breathe because that's the way it should be...

I want to cry and feel the pain again but I can't..and it doesn't feel right..

Am I a masochist?..cause I'd loved being hurt or maybe the pain signifies that I am capable of loving...

I hate the emptiness of my being; the sickening noise of silence inside me.

Im tired pretending that it's okay. Im tired of this MONOTONY!

If I will be given a chance...

I would scratch the face of a tiger in the jungle...

I would love to shout on top of Mount Everest...

I would want to kiss and make love to an angel in heaven...

I would do all the impossible things until I fulfill to destroy the monotony of my life!

But...

I would never do that... I'll always be...a PRIM and PROPER ME!

Boring...

Snob...

Predictable...

and...

Responsible... ME!

I hate it...but I love it...

I want to change so that when I wake up I'll not be able to recognize myself..

I want to step out on my comfort zone just like a wise man told me...

If I will be given a chance...

I want to not do all the things I have to do...

I want to be different and not scared to try new things...

I want to act again...

I want to curl myself with you on rainy days and hold your hands on a sunny days...

I am such an idiot to come up with this tiring litany...

and your such an idiot to read the bits of craziness in my head....

If I will be given a chance...

I would want to stop writing a boring essay and start to write a new love story...

a new love story that will make my life different...

a new love story that will finally be able to break the monotony of my life...

a new love story that can bring my life back! ='(